As an adoptee, many people have asked us “well, why don’t you just adopt?” I appreciate where people are coming from, but “just adopting” isn't exactly an easy solution, nor is it a solution to infertility.
Adoption is a cure for childlessness. It does not cure infertility. You will be a parent after you adopt, but you will not be fertile.
Let that sink in for a second.
Many people go through incredibly long, heartbreaking, and expensive journeys with their infertility. When all is said and done, and hope for a biological pregnancy has come to an end, many couples have already spent $50,000+ in their medical attempts at pregnancy over the course of dozens of months. “Just adopting” isn't always a realistic option after spending that kind of money.
Domestic infant adoptions cost anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000+ and sometimes more, depending on if you choose to go through an agency or through a private lawyer. After going through medically invasive fertility testing and treatments, you find yourself going through emotionally invasive homestudies, and you have to come to terms with the guilt that your family will be growing because somewhere out there, a woman is making the hardest decision of her life- the decision to entrust her child to another family.
Depending on your openness to medical situations or transracial placements, your wait time from application to finalization can be anywhere from 8-36+ months, with no guarantee of a child. I personally know of a woman who had 3 matches, and the expectant parents changed their mind last minute. I cannot even begin to imagine their heartbreak. Of course, we celebrate that a woman feels supported enough to choose to parent her child, but that doesn't take away the heartbreak of your almost-child.
International adoption is a changing frontier. Not only are you looking at a minimum cost of $30,000, but thanks to organizations working to strengthen families in developing countries (a good thing!) there is a decrease in the number of children under the age of 2 available.
This isn’t the late 90’s when you could apply and be on a plane home with your healthy Chinese/Russian/Guatemalan baby in less than 9 months. Most of the children waiting for adoption overseas are older, are part of a sibling group, or have special needs. And if you’ve ever been on anti-depressants or seen a therapist, you can automatically rule out about ½ of the countries that the US has adoption agreements with. If your BMI is over 24, you can rule out another ¼ of the countries. And if you’re under 25 or over 40, or you have not been married at least 5 years, you can pretty much rule out any other country.
Which leaves us with the last adoption option: adoption from the foster care system. From a financial standpoint, this makes the most sense. It often costs nothing, or very little (less than $2,000) for the official paperwork. There are ALWAYS children in need of foster homes. There are over 100,000 children in the US who are legally free for adoption, and each year over 20,000 children age out of the foster care system without ever being adopted. These kids will NEVER have a family. The downside is that these children are in foster care for a reason- they've been through trauma that you and I cannot even begin to imagine. And many of them are older (over 5) or have medical needs. These children need the love and support of a family, but not every family is the right fit for a child with special placement needs- and that's perfectly OK!
So recap: Adoption costs anywhere from $2,000- $50,000. It takes anywhere from 8 months- 5+ years. It requires a federal background check, a thorough home inspection, interviews of your friends, neighbors, and family members. It requires an agonizing wait, and at the end of the day there’s no guarantee that you’ll have a child.
All of this after spending tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of emotional energy on infertility treatment.
Furthermore, saying to “just adopt” is degrading to adopted people. It’s like “oh, your parents couldn't have a biological child, so they ‘just adopted’”. Adoption shouldn't be a backup option or a second-tier way of family building, and a child who has already experienced the loss of their first family deserves the dignity of knowing they came into a family through love and discernment because they were fiercely wanted- not because they were a 2nd best option.
Don’t get me wrong- adoption is amazing, and for my husband and I, it will most likely be a part of our family building story. But it’s not as easy as “just adopting”. So before you tell someone with infertility to “just adopt” please think about the implications of what you’re saying.
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